Tuesday, September 10, 2013

I Just Want To Do It So I Know That I've Done It

10/11/2004


AHH!! I’m still a virgin!  I’m 15 for Pete’s sake, I should have taken care of that LAST YEAR. I was just talking to my friend Jamie, who’s a freshman and it turns out she lost hers in 8th grade!  I rack my brain and try to think of a truly beautiful girl who hasn’t had sex and I can’t bring any to mind.  Dammit!

I must be ugly or something because I’m still a sad virgin.  There’s no way I can sound cool when I’m a virgin.  Girls do it when they’re 14, it seems like a fact.  I’m 15, for Goodness Sake and I haven’t even given a blowjob.  If that’s not sad, what is?

I know I’m being melodramatic but it’s just pissing me off now.  There’s Marie, Hannah and Kara.  Jessica Simpson is the one pretty girl I could think of who’s still a virgin but it was HER CHOICE.

I’m really a sad case because I want to have sex and still haven’t.  Boys are supposed to do that, not girls.  Girls are supposed to be like, “Oh, so many boys want to have sex with me, but I’m not ready.”  I can’t imagine not being ready.  And I made plans with Jamie to have tea in my room so she can tell me all her problems, but the more I think about it, I just want to have sex and go to sleep.  As crazy as it sounds, I’m just not in the mood to chat with a beautiful non-virgin who claims to have problems.  Maybe that wasn’t fair, I know for a fact that Jamie’s problems are real.  But I’m just really frustrated.  It’s not that I’m horny—I’m not.  I just want to do it so I know that I’ve done it.  That may sound terrible, and I’m afraid the Lord will be angry at me but I almost had sex with Isaac—why couldn’t I have had sex with Tony or someone I liked?

Really pretty girls who are virgins:
1.) Bethany
2.) Larissa
3.) Karen
4.) Charlotte
5.) Lori?  I hate her, true, but she is pretty.  I don’t know if she is a virgin or not.
6.) Kyla
7.) Margaret
8.) Caitlin?
9.) Priya?
10.) Shalina
11.) Me, if I’m even pretty.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Jewish New Year, The Day of Prank Calls

12/5/2001

On Rosh Hashana, I got a call.  The girl who called said she was Molly, my best friend.  But she sounded nothing like her.

Me: Who are you really?
Her: I’m Molly!
Me: No you’re not, if you’re Molly then what two countries are your ancestors from?
Her: Why are you asking?  I’m your best friend!  Uh…okay, I’m not Molly.  I’m Sabrina.
Me: Oh yeah?  What was your homeroom last year?
Her: Same as you, Pamisky.
Me: Okay, you’re Sabrina.  Why are you calling?
Her: Oh, I just heard some rumors and I was wondering if they were true.
Me: Okay, let’s hear it…
Her: Is it true you’ve had sex before?
Me: What are you talking about?  That is SO not true!
Her: Well I heard you’ve also done other stuff.
Me: WHAT?!!
Her: Oh, you know, that you’ve given guys blow jobs, stuff like that.

Then she went on about other things I supposedly did.  I cried and went to my mother and I went to the guidance counselor and we both found out the caller.  It wasn’t Sabrina.  It was Tiffany.


Notes:
I have to hand it to Tiffany for assuming two fake identities on one phone call.  Other rumors Tiffany mentioned, not discussed in this entry, including stuffing my bra, buying my clothes at K-mart, and being a lesbian.  (Works really well with the blow job rumor, as we all know lesbians love blow jobs).

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I Hate Gary





5/20/2002

JAKE!  JAKE!  JAKE!

Gary's been a jerk, so I started flirting w/his friend.  About five hours (5 HRS!) after we met, Jake calls me up and asks to see a movie w/me!  I stupidly didn't ask about timing or what the heck this movie even IS!

But I hate Gary so now I can fall in love again.

Notes:

I'm not sure which emotion is more unnecessarily strong: saying I hate Gary for no particular reason, or "falling in love" with this Jake kid, who I met once.

5/24/2002

Today it's Memorial Day Vacation.  I'm in my summer house.  I don't know whether I should call Jake or not.  We plan to go see a movie next Tuesday, so there's no reason for me to call him except that I'm in love with him.

Notes:
If there's no reason to call a guy before your first date except for the fact that you're in love with him, you should probably not call.

This Girl Who Took Pot


1/10/2001



I feel guilty.  I did not cheat on a test, nor do drugs.  It's just that the "losers" as my mom calls them, did NOT call me a skank this week.  For some reason, I am disturbed by that.  I kind of like it when they say it, kinda.  If I have the chance to shoot them a dirty look, I like it.  When I  don't like it is when I can't get out of it, but I feel guilty for liking this.



I do not want a reputation as a skank.  But yet, it's okay when a group of kids call me one.  I'd be upset if a girl called me one, but with guys, I don't give a damn (sorry).



I know this girl in 8th or 7th grade who took pot.  Her friend told me at drama club.  They think I should go to a dance club with them.  I'd be scared cuz I heard there are drugs there.  My parents said only with adult supervision

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

If I Said Yes To Everything At Camp, I Wouldn't Be A Virgin



4/15/2002

I don't know why I don't like Zach.  He's so nice and everything but I don't just want a guy I can talk with, but also a guy I can make out with.  That's why it didn't work out with Jason.  He wasn't ready.  I'm looking forward to camp.  The guys there aren't like Zach and Jason.  They're fast.  Sometimes too fast.  (Hint: if I said yes to everything at camp I wouldn't be a virgin).  But this time I'm ready (not for losing my virginity).  But I'll go to 1st base.  I'm not the least bit hesitant, but I wouldn't go to 3rd base but I would let a guy touch my chest.  I don't see what the problem is about that.  I guess you can say I'm an exhibitionist in some ways.  But I'm not really a slut.  I wouldn't get a homerun on any baseball game now, and probably the most I'd get is a single.  So if you're my mom reading this, I'm still a virgin, I'm not taking drugs, I'm doing well in school and I don't intend to do any of those things.

Notes:
Well.  I forgot what a little horndog I was in middle school, turning boys down because they weren't slutty enough for me.  
I'm not sure where I constructed this idea that I had the opportunity to have sex in camp.  I do recall some weird counselor following me around and calling me sexy, so maybe I'm referring to the tantalizing opportunity to be the victim of a child molester.
Also, I really nailed it with the baseball/sex metaphors. 

Monday, August 12, 2013

I WISH TO KISS HIM

1/25/2004

After Dee’s party, I slept over at my housekeeper’s son Eric’s house and he brought his friend Kyle.  Kyle was really sweet and so hot.  But the next morning he seemed really shy.  I gave him my screen name but I am sure nothing will happen.  Kyle is 16 and I’m only 14.  But I have never been so attracted to a guy before.  I mean, Kyle is SO HOT and I never even liked Tony this much.

WHY CAN’T I GET KYLE OUT OF MY HEAD?  He is so hot, smart and sweet and funny too.  But rumor is, he’s shy.  Because Eric is my housekeeper Yolanda’s son, I’ll see if Yolanda knows anything.  But Eric said that last night, Kyle said he thought I was pretty and I wrote a song about it.  PLEASE LORD, I WISH ERIC WOULD TELL KYLE I LIKE HIM, THEN I WISH KYLE WOULD IM ME OR CALL ME OR SOMETHING AND I WISH TO KISS HIM.  I WANT HIM SO MUCH, I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO KISS A BOY LIKE I WANT TO KISS HIM.  PLEASE HE IS ALL OVER MY MIND!!!!

Why was Kyle so shy today?  I’m still thinking there may be something wrong.  I have a real sexual attraction to him.  I keep remembering this scene in the Spanish movie we were all watching where this woman has sex with her abusive husband’s brother on top of the washing machine while she was doing the laundry.  Is it so horrible that I wondered what it would be like to do that with Kyle?

Notes:
I kind of want to retroactively warn Kyle about myself.


2/2/2004

Eric talked to Kyle and he said, “It looks like she wants to go out with me and I’ve only met her once.”  I don’t know what would make him think that because I haven’t been obvious with him.

Notes:
Gee, I don’t know where he got the idea that I liked him so much.  Except maybe, the fact that I wrote a song about him and pestered my housekeeper for info about him.  Other than that, I just don’t get it.

The Internet and AIM Are My Only Connection to the Outside World

5/19/2004

You know WHY I’m writing in here?  That FUCKED UP piece of SHIT called a laptop won’t work.  I hate my laptop.  I hate everyone who works for McAffee Virus whatever.  I hate everything right now.  Whoever did this to my computer—and if it’s me, then never mind—I hope he drops down—randomly—DEAD.  They just deserve to die.  MY ENTIRE FUCKING SOCIAL LIFE IS DEPENDANT ON AIM.  And if that doesn’t work, what happens next?  I’ll lose all my friends—my life goes down the drain.  I HOPE WHOEVER IT WAS DIES!!!!  Why do people love to make me cry?  And Mom is taking advantage of how boarding means the world to me by using it as bait to get me to do even the dumbest things.  FOR EXAMPLE: “Lexi, stop yelling about the laptop or I won’t let you board.”  What the FUCK?!  What does she think she is?  The Internet and AIM- that is my only connection to the outside world.  Without that, there’s a possibility of me losing my mind and doing “other things” to entertain myself, like chipping paint off walls.  WHA THE FUCK?!?!?
I…just…hate…it.
You know what else I hate?  My laptop.  But I need it.  It’s a weird little relationship.  I hate you.  I hate you.  I HATE HATE HATE you.  I don’t even know who I’m referring to.  But when I’m feeling like this, nothing can distract me.  I think even in this mood, I could just strangle someone.  I’m absolutely furious.  I hope all virus people (who make viruses) DIE!!! (Please don’t take this seriously).
P.S.  FUCK!!!!!!!

Notes:
In conclusion, AIM was very important.

Friday, August 9, 2013

A Song About Love, By 13-Year-Old Me

I wrote this song in eighth grade about my "materialistic" ex-boyfriend, Isaac.  While he didn't actually make money (I mean, he was thirteen) he had a job at a golf course which according to me, took up all his time and made him a money-obsessed grinch.  The "luxuries" he could afford to give me (like a necklace from Payhalf, or dinner at City Limits Diner) weren't the most important thing to me, I insisted:


You gave me Godiva
You gave me a Coach wallet
AN dwhen we got dinner, you
Would pay for all of it.

You gave me what you thought was love.
You gave me designer for my birthday
Store-wrapped, labeled bag, signature ribbon

PRE-CHORUS:
Money, not my thing
Baby, all I wanted was you.
All I wanted was you.
I didn’t want expensive things
I just waned love from you.
Wanted love from you.

CHORUS:

Baby if you wanna spend all your cash
Baby if you wanna leave me alone
Baby if you wanna leave me hanging on
With money in my hands and a new shirt
Baby if you wanna miss all my calls
Baby if you wanna pay for foregiveness
Baby if you wanna make love to your job
Baby, good luck in business.

You shopped with me everywhere
You bought everything
Your mind wasn’t anywhere
But on material things.

You gave me what you thought I desired
You gave me beautiful jewelry
But no kiss when you handed the package to me.

Prechorus/chorus 2x

I Need to Save Him From Himself

10/2/2003


Hopefully tomorrow Tony will either kiss me or ask me out!  We REALLY REALLY need to be alone somewhere.  Maybe after lunch we could chill in the green room.  I need to kiss him really badly and I am the stupidest most obsessed lovesick teenager in the world but he’s straight out of Grease and he’s like a combination of Johnny Depp and John Travolta (even though they’re both old).  He’s a great runner and a poet.  This is so important to me and I need to save him from himself…but to be honest, I just want to kiss him really really badly..A LOT!  And then date him.  Because he’s really hot and romantic and seemingly perfect for me and seeing him always brightens up my day.  He can drive, (in New Jersey, New York laws don’t let him).  If only one day he kissed me…or if he asked me out…


Notes:
Ever seen a really dumb-looking teenage girl and wonder what goes on in her head?  This.

Even If It's With A Guy Who Barely Speaks English

9/23/2003

Today is the day I’ve feared for months.  Isaac just called.  We broke up.  He said, “I’m breaking up” instead of “We’re breaking up” and I cried a little but not on the phone.  It was just a shock to me.
Anyway, I kind of have other boys in mind.  I really am not all that crushed.  Sure, I’m not all that happy but he said 8 months is a long time for a couple our age and it wasn’t for nothing.  He said he just grew apart and that I didn’t do anything.  And I’m really surprised at how the only reason I’m mad is because I was going to break up with him first.

I think I’m already over it.  And now I have emotional and sexual experience to start a new loving relationship—even if it’s with a guy who barely speaks English. (AJ will learn better) but right now I just want to see who wins in the end. 


Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Edward Is Obviously Madly In Love With Me

1/8/2001

Edward is obviously madly in love with me.  I appreciate it, but sometimes it's just 2 much.  His friends used a chair to block the way to the garbage can in the cafeteria.  I was sick o this, so I deliberately just stepped on the chair to get out.  I think it was a sexy thing to do--if only I was wearing the pants I'll wear tomorrow.

My good friend Kristin told me that a lot of people in the school think I am a slut.  I admit I used to be, kinda, but I was trying to make a sexy impression on all the kids but I guess sexy turns to slutty or "skanky" as those guys would say, which they haven't said in a long time.  I feel guilty for liking this sexual harrassment.  I just figure all the other girls would hate it.

When I was sitting on a banister, Ed's friend is all, "I dare you."  Ed's like, "What?" and his friend points to me, I say what, and then Nat and his friend run away quoting me.  I just said, "Go figure."  Also, Laura insulted me for no reason.

Me: (joking) I've said the F-curse in my mind before.
L: (gives look)
Me: What's that for?
L: I wanted you to see that.
Me: What have I done to you?  Why did you just insult me?
L: (shrugs)
Me: So you just feel like it?
L: No, you don't know that.
Me: Well, it's pretty obvious.

He Asked Me If I Have A Big Butt

1/7/2001

Edward Schecter, Ed for short, has bothered me for a long time.  He tried sitting on my lap a few days ago and tried sitting on my male friend Zak's lap.  But today he HUGGED me for the whole cafeteria to see.  It was kinda funny, kinda shocking.  Then he asked me if I have a big butt.  I don't know cuz I don't know how big a butt needs to be to be a big butt.

Truly Horrendous Art By A Pretentious Teenager

I was a creative kid, but for some reason I was a horrible artist.  Not horrible enough to be incapable of drawing a face, but horrible enough to think I was good and still be really bad.  Examples:










Below: My "self portrait" (note mangled arm):






Ideas To Live By

Right before sixth grade, I was hell-bent on getting popular.  Here was how I would do it:


I Don't Want Laura To Die

12/11/2000

My friend, Laura.  I thought she was great.  She recently told me her 14-year-old cousin acts like a whor.  But before that, she wore Pooh T-shirts and was really nice.  Recently, she told me something that made me jump.

"I get high on permanent markers," she said.  I thought she was just joking but today she's like "I don't do it all the time.  I only did it once."  I asked her if she knew it could kill her and she sad, "Yeah, I know."  She lives in fear of being raped and I'm really scared.  Laura says she likes the smell of markers.  I really don't want Laura to die even if she did do drugs once.

Someting interesting HAS happened to me, if not, Laura.  No.  Laura.  I NEVER took drugs.  Well, who will do it next?  I won't let it be me.

Dear God,

Please spare Linda.  She was as great friend and I don't want her to die.  I really don't.

Love,
Ali

Notes: What started as "genuine" concern for my "friend" Laura (I actually didn't like her at all) slowly devolves into me being excited that if my friend became a drug addict, my life would be more interesting.  Then, in guilt, I pray to God to "spare" this girl I don't even like.